2014

ah.
um...
year.
yeeeeeeaaaaar.
Whale.

2013 wasn't such a bad year.
Honestly. I want to give a nice long description for this journal, but my brain gets emptier and emptier everyday. I can hardly remember what I ate for breakfast.
I stare into space.
I lose track of time. The day is gone before I even realize its started.

Right now I'm trying to remember what I wanted to say to you guys...
Oh yeah.

I am so, immensely, immeasurably, eternally sorry.

I am sorry I let you guys down. Some of you have been my friends since Hetena and since I was fourteen.
I am sixteen now.

I know some of you have been checking up on me but the truth is that I don't have the time to come to DA like I used to. All I have time for is to quick check things on my phone. I looked for a DA app but it gave my phone viruses.

I miss you guys.
I miss being somewhat sane.
I miss fearing the darkness instead of trying to expel it from myself. Like a disease.

I am having some issues. I don't know how this year will turn out because of that...
I tripped and slipped in my kitchen. My left knee bend backward. I am double jointed and hyper-extensive. So I can bend funky. You know.

It was painful and then stiff. It wont bend right. It pops. Nobody cares. I use a brace and take all these pills but its stopped helping.
My parents use the excuse that we don't have the money to take me to a doctor. But the way they say it sounds like they want to right me off. I'm not important enough to even try and see some sort of doctor...

Not only is my memory getting worse, but I'm simply not there. I'm extremely self aware and I can catch myself being distant.
I sound talky here because I am typing in my living room surrounded by my family and white noise...
I stare. I whisper. I sit in my room.
I have conversations with people in my head but I think that I was actually having them.

...
We are moving to Alabama.
I hate the notion.
Basically my mum gets a good job and we get a better house... etc. But my whole family acts so pessemistic. "Oh yay! We get to move! How exciting! New life!" then suddenly. "Oh no! We cant afford it! We wont have a real house! We cant keep our pets!" Its kinda hard to think something is a good thing when everybody treats it like a happy tragedy or something.

I was in denial. I wasn't packing boxes. I thought if I ignored it. it wouldn't happen.
Now I am angry. Third stage of grief? Anyway. I hate the people in Alabama. I feel like I reeeaally want to murder somebody.
Not just random unthoughtful murder. I mean clever planned torturous murder.
Artistic and beautiful.

I wont murder anybody. I promise.
I don't want to go to jail. All the other inmates might not like being stuck in there with me.


The last thing I want t say is that I will try my hardest. I will try to still be present. I will post art and try to respond to comments but... It might be slow.

My life has gone past busy. Its gone past confusing, hectic, strange, hellish and torturous.

Now its just there. And apparently, I am leaving it behind whether I like it or not.
I think that by time we are settled in Alabama. I will be completely gone.

I love you guys...
Be safe, be kind to yourselves.